Off to a new set of challenges...barely into the second week of '10 and I now already have some crucial decisions to make as to where to head next in this journey that I am undertaking. It's official. Christmas is really over. The movement of people around me has again accelerated into their old hectic pace. I am at the moment stuck in the middle of it all, careful not to cause even the slightest of inconvenience and delay as to interrupt their important preoccupations. Not that I now feel like I'm being an overgrown sore-thumb or something. I know what I want. I know what to do. I know where to go. It's just that I occasionally am being saddled by this thought, this fear of not being able to live up to what is being expected of me. A bit insane, I concede. But the feeling is very true, very strong. I am not looking for affirmation from anyone. Neither am I out to prove anything. I just want to be. I just want to be able to contribute, to be of help, to create, to be useful either by being around or by disappearing for a while. I am not out to make a name for myself, to be sensational, to earn money, to indulge in some things which I may have been deprived of as a child, whatever that means...I just want to be happy! I just want to be free! I just want to happily and freely serve in whatever meager capacity I am capable of! This is my life goal at its simplest! It just escapes my understanding why aspiring to simply be happy and free seems to be a complicated, if not a nut-case predicament, for many.
If indeed aspiring to be free and happy and deliberately poor, simple, unfit for career advancement, and just a mere human being who is fully aware of his being so is really a case for the asylum, then please count me in! This is what being a fool-for-Christ truly means! I would willingly forgo a leg and an arm to even get anywhere near being one!
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